How Do I Live
by kiramilliardosgirl
Summary: This is a 6x9 9x6 fic. its a song fic based on the song called how do I live without you.. zechs has to come out with his feelings to noin. and she feels she's been hard on him. the love between them is strong... please R&R thanks!!!


A/N: Well... okay this is a song fic for a 6x9 9x6 fic. its to the song called "How do I live without you" you know the leanne rhimes song. Country is not my ussual favorite. but this song sticks out in my head as a deffinate 6x9 song because zechs never admits his feelings. so anyhoo. on with another dimented tale by who else, 'the dimented author' Kira.  
  
DUAL PERSONALITY KIRA: *coughs* YEAHHHHHHHHH were doomed......... its the suger fairies and the soda pixy's (for you nei nei) on with the action. lets see some cat fighting or at leaste some bloodshed... you know how the suger fairies like to take over my body... comon!!!!!!~~ *whines* lets see some major action... we read way to many angst fics.......  
  
KIRA: *whispers into dual personality kira's ear*  
  
DUAL PERSONALITY KIRA: What do you mean this is a romantic song fic... theres no killing... or blood... or something really wild or...or... or.... *is whacked hard in face* *pouts* awww... allright.....  
  
KIRA: sorry about that. I've watched way to much gundam wing, the stress has literally split me in half. (too much lady une) she's right we've been reading alot of angst fics.. I'm trying to get into the mood to work on a ner treize story of mine!! well read on whoopies... enjoy what the 'dimented author' has provided for you all.  
  
  
  
  
  
"How do I live?"  
  
  
  
The young woman climbed the stairs of her small apartment. the vendictive feelings that grew inside her were burning in her consience. 'how could he be so cruel and heartless?' she questioned in her mind.  
  
Just days ago she had been fighting with all her heart to try to open her partner up to show the emotion that he kept taunting her with.'I know its in there somewhere... but why do I even bother trying' She faught her own inner feelings as she wondered about the situation. She wanted him to show the love she knew he had for her Only moments ago... she had allowed her feelings to burst out.  
  
'Have I given up, have I allowed myself to break under the pressure. Why was he so cruel... you hurt me you hurt me bad' She thought of her actions at the training facility had she been to hard on the man that she loved with all her heart and soul? he always held back. Only showing his anger and frustration as to his inner demons.  
  
"If only I could have fought all the pain for you..." She said aloud as she finally gave way to tears bursting through her bedroom door and throwing herself onto the soft feather bed. The warm rose colored comforter was being stained by her tears as she clenched some of the delicate fabric in her fists. "No..." she cried allowed and felt her body quiver as the wave of frustration hit her. "I love you so...zechs.....But why... why do you still push me away?..." She turned slightly on her side in the dimmed room. The night was overtaking the area in Lake Victoria and the stars were beginning to come out.  
  
~*~  
  
A lone figure walked in the moonlight. The stars hung overhead lighting the way for the lost soul. One more step, another foot in front of another. Every ounce of strength to give of his own body.  
  
'How can I tell her how I feel....a killer of his own men. the blood lies there stained on my hands as the day it was shed. Battles, and wars. Duals, and training. Numbness should have taken over a long time ago. So why do I have something so strong in my heart still?' He walked thinking to himself with a lone dried trail from a tear down the side of his face. 'Noin, why do you have to have my heart captured so firmly..... can you accept it still, as broken and shattered as it is from my past?......'  
  
The night had a chill about it like a north wind was beginning to blow.  
  
"Noin....I love you, but am I strong enough to let you know how I feel?....."  
  
~*~  
  
~How do I Get through a night without you.  
  
If I had to live without you-  
  
What kind of life would that be?~  
  
~*~  
  
Noin rolled over and sat up on the bed. The moonlight streaked in on her bed though she spend her nights alone most of the time. She felt that this time it was different.  
  
"Zechs.... I feel so alone. Please... I need you to hold me..." She whispered into the darkness. Hearing the sound of her own whisper echo in her heart.  
  
Tonight was the breaking point. She couldnt stand to see the overcoming pain in her partners face as he stared at her through his blond lashes. He had been to one of the other bases on a mission. And noin felt the pain was far to much to bear to be away from him any longer.  
  
"Zechs... I know you hurt, but it hurts me even more to be away from you... please dont keep running away from me....." she again whispered. almost whishing she would hear a reply. She had been harsh with her words tonight at the lake victoria base when the recruits had left. she was strong in her wording because she didnt want to loose him now... now that he meant ohh so much.  
  
~*~  
  
Zechs walked on in a blurr. His head was clouded by the recent words that had been said to him in an almost biting tone.  
  
"I deserved every breath that it took for her to say that to me. I havent been fair to her... But noin... do you know that I wouldn't have a life at all worth living if it wasnt for you... you're all I've got to live for now..." He felt the breeze sweep around his body that was bundled in the trenchcoat. It send a chilll through his body and blew his hair back away from his bloodshot eyes. He hadnt rested a wink since the moment he had left to go on the mission. Noin meant so much to him he was so very worried about her. 'How could I ever tell her that......' He asked as he looked up at the dark and silent apartment building that loomed in front of him.  
  
~*~  
  
~Oh I- I need you in my arms need you to hold.  
  
You're my world my heart my soul.  
  
If you ever leave, baby you would take away everything-  
  
Good in my life- and tell me now~  
  
~*~  
  
Zechs set his feet firmly into the ground and stared up at noins apartment. He had a bit of a growl in his throat as he felt like punishing himself for letting her be so upset. He wanted to take her into his arms and never let go. But he forced his urges for the pride he had held for so long as a soldier. Had always taught him to not rely on anyone else.  
  
"Noin I do need you though..... youre the only thing thats good for me now" Zechs voice was tossed on the wind. And thrown about like something that had no meaning at all.  
  
All at once zechs turned his head. 'I cant do it' he thought to himself. "I cant keeep pretending anymore, I cant hurt her the way that this would if I came into her life in this way.....!" zechs cried aloud and turned.. his coat flowing out behind him. the dark shadows of the trees looming in on his path.  
  
'I want to hold you and love you the way that you have loved me all along.... but I dont want to cause this hurt for you.... because I can never promise to live on from day to day... I am a soldier and a person who bears the mark of death.... whether from his own men or the bloodshed of complete stranger. I no longer have a true mission in life. But noin I want to see you happy' Zechs thoughts drifted as the dead autumn leaves that floated as if suspended in water encirlcling his body as he headed towards the docks.  
  
~*~  
  
Noin came bursting out her front door. "Where is he....... ZECHS!!!! I know I heard his voice.... in my heart I know you came!" She scanned the darkened wooded area, and the streets that were dimm as the sky on the far side of the horizon away from the moon.  
  
"NO!!!! zechs.... I'm not loosing you now!~......"  
  
~*~  
  
~And tell me now- How do I live without you,  
  
I want to know.~  
  
~*~  
  
Zechs almost began to stumble. He let his arms flail as he began to run. Maybe he figured he could outrun his past and the demons that haunted him. Or maybe he was trying to run away from the only sense of love that he had felt most of his life.  
  
'I dont deserve to be loved..... I dont even deserve to have her kind hand to touch my face....' he felt tears begin to sting his eyes. 'But how can I make it without you..... you fill my every breath noin...'  
  
Zechs kept on running. Past the trees, past the houses. Everything filling the town that held so many memories from his past. He trained in this town. He met noin in this town. He spent so much time letting those embers grow for her over time.  
  
~*~  
  
~How do I breath without you- If you ever go.  
  
How do I ever- ever survive.  
  
How do I- how do I- Oh how do I live?~  
  
~*~  
  
Noin made her way down the side walk and towards the road. Something called to her.  
  
"Zechs... dont run away from me again... please dont leave me now... I dont know how I can live another moment with you gone" She could feel something still callling. It was pulling her telling her that she needed to find the man that she loved... so much.  
  
She bagan to run. She had no idea where her feet were taking her but she knew she had to find zechs.  
  
She found herself caught in the wind feeling the breeze on her tear stained face. 'I should have never yelled at him, he so insecure with his feelings I should have understood that...' She cursed herself for perhaps being the thing that had provided him the urge to push away... further from her grasp.  
  
She found herself running. Passing dead trees. Corners with small houses on them. red fire hydrants places where happy people lived in the quiet lake town. Noin's memories flashed, growing up. With her siblings. But never feeling the love that she needed so much until she met zechs. there was something in the man that called to her. then...and now. that made her feel needed.  
  
Growing up in an abusive houshold left her feeling empty most of her life... 'But now' she thought 'Now that I have you... I stand the fear of loosing you.... please zechs ... how do I live without you....'  
  
She found her feet taking her to the dock side of the town. the sound of the lake was soothing. she slowed down.  
  
~*~  
  
Zechs sank low to the ground beside the tree. alowing himself to cry was something that he had only let himself do one other time in his life. 'Do I love her that much?...'  
  
"Zechs!?"  
  
Zechs closed his eyes.  
  
"Noin. leave me." he said "I'm not worthy to be seen like this" His heart ached so, to tell her to leave. He wanted to be in the safe comfort of her arms now.  
  
"Zechs... no. I am never leaving you. Thats why I had to find you. I'm not letting you run away this time..."  
  
"Run away?" zechs asked and squeezed his eyes shut. To cry was such a foreign thing for him. it felt so weak to be crying.  
  
"Please zechs. I dont want to be alone ever again. I cant stand seeing you go off on missions. not knowing if you truly love me in the way that I love you..." Noin sunk to the ground in front of him.  
  
Zechs stopped shout, catching his breath. he knew she loved him. But he never knew it was that strong.  
  
"Ohh noin." He gasped as her name left his lips. He threw himself forward into her awaiting arms. But he cried like a child. the tears flowing strongly that had been locked away for so long. "I'm sorry" He moaned.  
  
"No zechs... dont be sorry" Noin replied softly "Dont be sorry" She felt her own wet trail of tears tumble from the corner of her eye.  
  
~*~  
  
~Without you thered be no sun in my sky.  
  
There would be no love in my life-  
  
thered be no world left for me.~  
  
Zechs lifted his head up from where she cradled it.  
  
"I'm supposed to be strong.... ohh noin. I love you...." he said making her catch her breath. He slowly lifted his shaking hand up to the side of her face.  
  
Noin starred into his beautiful ice blue eyes, that were fremed by his platinum blond lashes. His hand was so soft on her face. fo so long she wanted him to do that willingly. just to feel him near. so wanted for so long to be able to take him into her arms. because she knew benieth his strengths there laid an unsure young prince that wanted to be loved.  
  
"I dont want to loose you noin... but I was afraid.. to love you, would bring you more harm than good. My past still haunts me....." his words trailed off. as noin leaned down to catch his lips in a kiss.  
  
~*~  
  
~And I - Baby I dont know what I would do.  
  
I'd be lost if I lost you- Please tell me baby- how do I go on~  
  
~*~  
  
Noin stared up into his eyes like they held the key to any secrets that she wished to unwravel.  
  
Zechs let his thoughts almost clear for the moment. with a whisper in the breath of the wind and the sound of the lake lapping at the shore. the moon that glowed above them in a perfect crecent and the stars upon which wishes are cast, glowed lighting the way for the two lost hearts.  
  
'I dont know what I'll do if something ever happens to her...' zechs thought as she pulled back at looked up at him with an unsure look on her face.  
  
"Zechs, why didnt you ever say it. I knew you did, but you always denied anyone being able to see a bit of your heart. I know it is like a still ever fresh wound and salt is coonstantly being rubbed into it to cause the pain to grow." Noin stopped as his hand shakily was placed on the side of her face.  
  
Zechs head was tilted slightly to the side in a humbling manner. he almost sighed as he took a deep breath and looked at her wondering how to say what he wished to.  
  
~*~  
  
~If you ever leave baby- you would take away everything good in my life  
  
and tell me now- how do I live without you- I want to know~  
  
~*~  
  
"Dear, lucretzia..... All the time I spent alone in space. all the time I've wandered about aimlessly looking and searching for a place to belong and a place where my heart felt fullfilled...but..." Zechs stopped and looked up at her with his bright, brilliant ice blue eyes. They even sparkled in the darkness. Her face seamed so pure, esspecially bathed and highlighted by the moonlight.  
  
Noin simply starred back up at him. Had she finaly reached him in the way that she wished to. Or did he reach her.  
  
~*~  
  
~How do I breath without you- if you ever go~  
  
~*~  
  
The young prince leaned over from where he was and wrapped his arm around noins shoulders.  
  
"Ohh milly-chan..." Noin breathed out. That was what she called him when she felt completely protected and belonging to him.  
  
"Please noin" Zechs said pleadingly of her and leaning the side of his face against hers. simply savoring the moment together. "I guess I should have humbled myself a long time ago. because even though I didnt realize it... I know where I belong, and I know ... I know where my heart feels fulfilled...." His last words lingered in the air.. tossed about.  
  
~*~  
  
~How do I ever- ever survive~  
  
~*~  
  
Noin looked up into the sea of stars.  
  
"I would have never been able to continue living... my faith in you is what keeps me alive" Noins voice was pleasant but seriouse.  
  
"I know..." Zechs said soothingly. "I know aishitteru..... watashi ai anata my dear lucreitzia. I know now that I can at least begin to open up and tell you exactly how I feel. because I too feel that I dont know how I would live without you." He took her hand into his. admiring how small hers was compared to his. The small delicate lines and slight calluses from all her work in the training facility.  
  
"Thank you.... and I think that this will alow me to open up also" noin replied. She slightly blushed as he stroked the inside of her hand smiling at the peaceful silence between them.  
  
~*~  
  
~How do I- How do I-  
  
Oh How do I live.......~  
  
~*~  
  
"I know........ I CAN live now" Zechs said and allowed one last tear to silently fall from the corner of his eye.  
  
A shooting star suddenly flashed across the sky.  
  
"How do I live...... milly-chan" Noin started in a teasing tone. "I certantly am not going to go hom alone...." She stopped and looked up into the pale angelic face of teh man she loved.  
  
"Well... you will never have to be alone as long as I have any say in it!... I love you noin." Zechs finished in a whisper as the last stars apeared in the sky.  
  
~End~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Okay, Okay, was it to gushy, mushy? I think that this song fits quite well for those two. because he is not one to admit it. but you can tell that he really wouldnt have anything to live for if not for noin and his sister!? am I not right!? well please R&R and tell me if you think I should follow up with a continueing.... lemon? well okay for now,, tootles love, Kira "the dimented author" 


End file.
